Monday, July 27, 2009

Check in...

I'm no longer convinced that ridding my house of non-diet friendly food prior to diet commencement by EATING it was a good idea.

It sounded so sensible at the time. Save a trip to the grocery store, eat the naughty food already in the cupboards, munch on the emergency frozen pizza...

Throughout the course of the past year, I have accumulated rather a lot of naughties. And I am not prepared to throw them away, instead I devour them day by day, waiting for pay day, at which point I will go shopping and purchase only non-naughties. I PROMISE.

In advance of Diet Day (henceforth known as "D-Day") I have been figuring out an exercise plan. I have a lovely dog who would love nothing more than a little stint around the block. Also, I've managed to accumulate an (almost free) personal gym! A year and a half ago I bought an elliptical cross trainer machine, and since then I have acquired a treadmill, ski machine, resistance trainer, rowing machine, annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd a stationary bike. I'm going to be H.O.T.!!! AND I have a normal, every day, run of the mill, pedal-powered bike.

Oh, and by the way, D-Day is SUNDAY. THIS SUNDAY. Sure, many people would have started dieting the day they said "that's it". Suuuure, I work a little differently to most people, but I'm fairly sure that that's what makes me interesting. Suuuuuuuuuuuuure...

With 6 days left until D-Day, I'm starting to wonder about the logic of my plan... I think I'm going to have extra to lose. I suppose I will be able to let you know that on Sunday. That's the only day of the week that I'm allowing myself to weigh in.

I'm also finalising the details of my "reward scheme". I know what I want for the rewards, I'm trying to officially figure out what weight I want to get to, and how many "mini goals" there are going to be. Of course I'll let you know once it's official.

Anyway, have an awesome day, and in the immortal words of my best friend "In the immortal words of Arnie"... I'll be back.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Open letter to me.

Dear F.S.

In case you didn't notice. You're rather large.

Not just a little bit porky, actually. You're fat.

That trickery that The Fat Lady Store is pulling on you isn't any good. You are NOT a size 4. The little blue circle sitting next to that number four is your own personal asterisk. Size 4 *not really. Be honest. You're verging in to size 24 on the bottom. And go ahead, keep buying those size 16 tops, but who are you trying to fool? Your boobs and muffin top don't plan to be leashed for very long. Days of yanking your sweater down over the top of your jeans only to have to pull it up to keep your bazookas a little PG rather than R, are your own personal reminder of your previous indiscretions. Namely ice cream; chocolate; any form of potato; chinese take out; the list goes on...

You're fearful when you get on the Doctor's bed that it will collapse under you (it's okay, it can bear up to 500 lbs, I asked). You don't want to sit next to anyone on the plane because you're embarrassed that they might ask for the portion of the seat that they paid for, that you are occupying. You don't go to bars, because you are convinced people are talking about you. You don't get involved in sports, because you're quite certain that you'll do something stupid, and people will put it down to weight, rather than just simply bad coordination.

So, Miss Fatty Boom Boom, let's get on with it. Why are you fat? Because you don't have enough self discipline. Because you eat too much. It's no use blaming anyone or anything else. You're a big girl now (excuse the pun), and you need to do this on your own.

When you feel the need to eat something, ask yourself "why?"

It’s not good enough to eat something just because it tastes good. It’s not okay to eat something because you’re bored.

Just remember, the next time you think of snacking some chips, or indulging in a cake...

You want to wear a beautiful dress to some of the parties that you get invited to. You want to be stunning. You want to go and get your nails done and have your hair done up nicely, and know that in doing it you look STUNNING. Not just dolloping some fancy make up and hair do on a woman who just. doesn't. look. beautiful.

You want to go out to the bar without thinking that everyone is looking to you and laughing.

You want to go and get a massage. DESPERATELY. But you won’t. Because you don’t want a poor masseuse to have to run her hands through the rolls of your flab.

Why do you have to sit on the sidelines at volleyball? Be honest! It’s because you don’t want people to laugh at your weight flopping around. If a slim person falls over, it’s because they had an accident. If you fall over, it’s because you’re fat and uncoordinated.

You want to go to normal shops to buy clothes. Size 4 (blue dot) shouldn’t be the be all and end all for a lady’s fashion.

It’s not easy to get thin. It’s taken 27 years of your life to get this fat, don’t expect it to happen overnight. In fact, right now your immediate goal has to be this simple: Becoming able to make your chin touch your sternum... Wow. When did it get this bad?

So, current weight 311 lbs. Goal weight 180 lbs.

Things I want to do once I get down to 180:
Buy a nice pair of designer jeans
Go to a bar with your friends until LATE
Go to the 2 balls that you have available to you in the winter, AND buy a gorgeous dress, and get your hair and nails done for it.
Go to a theme park and not worry that your butt is going to hang over the edge, or you won't be able to get the safety bar down.
Go swimming. In public. In a bathing suit.

Good luck to you. Keep track of your progress.

I have faith in you!!